An Open Letter to Last Night's Concert-Goers

And, indeed, to concert-goers everywhere.

To the other audience members at the Chanticleer concert last night, greetings:

Your concert etiquette was extremely lacking last night. Allow me to help you understand by citing specific examples:

1. The concert begins at a certain time. The venue is known to have limited seating available. Therefore, to get a good seat, you must show up at least half an hour prior to the beginning of the performance. If your entire group is not with you, TOO BAD. Do not save entire rows of seats for people who couldn't be bothered to show up early. This is rude and annoying and makes me want to backhand you.

1a. If you show up late, do not expect to climb over me to get to a seat.

2. To the dear elderly women who attend these things en masse: one drop of perfume is more than enough. Trust me.

3. It's printed in two different places in the program, it was announced before the performance began, and it's good common sense. So why the hell did your cell phone go off in the middle of the concert?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Moreover, once it did go off, was jumping out of your seat and running down the aisle as fast as you could with the phone still ringing the best course of action? If the call was that important, stay at home!

4. This is not an outdoor picnic. It's an evening concert, indoors, held in a place of worship. Wear a bra. Wear pants. You disgust me.

5. Children are noisy, squirmy creatures who don't like to sit still and pay attention for long periods of time. Whatever can we, as a society, do about this problem? Oh wait, there's a brand new service on the market. It's called a BABYSITTER! If your kid can't sit still for two hours, leave him at home.

6. Shut up. Seriously. I'm paying to hear them sing, not to hear you whisper and mutter to your neighbors. That witty little comment you're just dying to make can wait, really.

7. So, you have a family member performing with the group. Good for you. Must you point him out to your other family members every few seconds, pointing and chuckling at whatever he's doing? You're embarrassing him. I can tell.

8. Hey, kid! Life lesson time. In the middle of an exquisitely beautiful, quiet moment in the piece is not an appropriate time for you to start playing with the Velcro on your shoes! You have no idea how close I was to smacking both you and your mother. Thanks for ruining that entire song.

9. After the performance is over, don't loiter in the aisles talking to your friends. There's only one way out of this place, and we're all trying to get to it. Take your conversation outside!

10. Sometimes, performers like to group different pieces of music together into "sets." Often, they are pieces by the same composer, or perhaps a few pieces in a similar style. It is obvious from the program layout that these are intended to be a group. One of the performers even announced as much. Therefore, do not clap in between each one! You have no idea how annoying that is. They appreciate your applause and enthusiasm, but wait! They will make it obvious when they are ready for you to applaud.

11. Yes, what they sang was really good. Can't you wait until the clapping starts to make your little "Wow!" "Mmmm!" noises?

12. Yes, that guy sang a really low note. He is obviously a qualified bad ass. The appropriate response to his badassity is not laughter.

13. Seriously, dude, what do you keep laughing at? Quit distracting me!

14. Sticking your fingers in your mouth and whistling loudly is not a particularly appropriate response in this situation. Save it for the barnyard.

Call me an elitist if you want, but I am really sick of the way most people behave at concerts. I'm all for people coming to concerts of music that they might not normally come to, but for heaven's sake, do a little research first. I wouldn't show up to a NASCAR race in a formal gown and sip champagne, so don't show up to my concerts in a braless halter top and miniskirt and whistle like a farmhand.

Your long-suffering friend,
Alicia

End of rant.